


Observations

by nothingbutadreamer



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Cuddling, Cute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Negative Thoughts, Pacifiers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Thumb-sucking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2019-09-25 19:35:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17127446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingbutadreamer/pseuds/nothingbutadreamer
Summary: When Oliver catches Connor sucking his thumb, he makes it his mission to see more his boyfriend's new habit.





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Oliver caught Connor sucking his thumb was when they were watching Project Runway. He had turned to ask Connor a question about a designer but at the sight of his boyfriend’s left thumb deeply wedged in his mouth, a small bit of spittle nestled in the corner, and his cheeks subtly expanding and retracting, Oliver’s question caught in his throat. There was no reason for Oliver to expect that sight. Three years of being together and not once had Oliver been presented with such a sight.

Oliver couldn’t tell if he was sucking it on purpose, trying to entice him into giving a blowjob. After a moment of hesitation, Oliver closed his mouth, he wasn’t about to point out the thumb-sucking. If this was Connor’s way of suggesting sex, Oliver wasn’t going to take it. He wanted to hear Connor ask, maybe even beg and whine a little for it, not suck his thumb as a way of asking. What nagged Oliver though was if this wasn’t Connor’s kinky way of asking for something, then what was it – Oliver needed to witness it again before he said anything and jumped to conclusions. 

The second time Oliver caught Connor sucking his thumb was at the library. It was an early Saturday morning and Connor had convinced Oliver to join him at the library so he could finish an assignment for Professor Keating. Oliver knew the case had been stressing Connor all week as he hadn’t been able to figure out a valid motive for the “victim” and Annalise had given him an ultimatum, if he couldn’t figure out the motive by Monday, he was out of the Keating 5 – well now 4. 

Oliver didn’t know why Connor remained at the firm, especially not since the unfortunate passing of Wes six months ago. Whenever Oliver tried to bring it up, Connor would immediately dismiss the idea, stating it was an “amazing opportunity,” something he claimed he “couldn’t pass up,” when Oliver knew he could. Most of Connor’s colleagues would go on to amazing jobs without being part of the formidable Keating 4 and Oliver wished Connor would see that, that he could succeed by his own merit and not on the coattails of another. For now, he would unconditionally support him and wait for Connor to hopefully come to the same conclusion he had, that Annalise Keating was bad and he needed to detach himself from her. 

Catching Connor sucking his thumb in the library was unexpected. They weren’t in a private room, quite the opposite in fact. Connor had sat in the middle chair of one of the public tables informing Oliver, like he already didn’t know, that he thrived around others especially when under pressure. Even though Oliver could only see five others working at such an early hour on a Saturday, he knew as the day progressed it would soon be filled with Middleton students and Connor would be right in the middle of it … sucking his thumb.

Oliver’s guess at it being a sex thing was quickly dismissed seeing as Connor was wrapped up in the case, sex definitely not on the forefront of his mind right now. Did Connor not realize he was doing it? Could Connor not feel the digit pressed against his tongue or hear the noise he made every time he sucked? Oliver couldn’t wrap his mind around what was happening, his boyfriend was sucking his thumb in the middle of the library and not giving a damn about it. 

The natural thing for Oliver to feel would be disgust at seeing his boyfriend partaking in such a childish act but he wasn’t disgusted. Despite Connor being in the midst of trying to find evidence, Oliver hadn’t seen him that relaxed in days, the taut lines on his face had disappeared and his clenched shoulders had lowered. Oliver knew Connor was still stressed but it seemed the presence of having a thumb in his mouth had helped take a bit of tension out of his body. Oliver was curious how Connor would look sucking his thumb when he wasn’t stressed, how relaxed his boyfriend would feel.

Oliver blushed. He couldn’t believe he was just thinking about Connor sucking his thumb. He wanted his baby to be relaxed and if this strange way was the key to it, then Oliver wasn’t going to let Connor stop on his behalf. If Oliver really thought about it, he kind of liked Connor sucking his thumb. Not only did it make him a little turned on seeing Connor’s mouth firmly wrapped around something but it also made him happy for Connor. Even though he had only caught him doing it twice, both times Connor had seemed happier than he had in ages and Oliver wanted to see if Connor would do it again, to see if the same reaction was elicited, he couldn't help but be curious of his boyfriend’s little habit. 

The next 30 minutes passed by quickly for Oliver captivated by Connor and his thumb. As the day wore on, Oliver became worried for Connor as more people began piling into the library. Looking nervously around he counted at least 20 people laying out their material and even more walking through the door. Oliver doubted that Connor wanted anybody to discover his habit, and it made Oliver nervous that a random stranger would notice and tear down Connor's already fragile self-esteem.

“Connor,” Oliver said breaking the silence, “I’m going to get coffee, want anything?”

Connor’s eyes didn’t break from the transcript in his hand as he gave a nod. “Ye-,” quickly the thumb dislocated from Connor’s mouth an evident blush forming. Connor’s eyes glanced at Oliver gauging to see if he had noticed. Seeing Oliver’s eyes glued to his phone, Connor almost cried in relief. “Uh yea, I’ll take an iced latte thanks.”

Oliver nodded and left to go get coffee with a small smile. The blush creeping up Connor’s face wasn’t hard to miss and he couldn’t help but smile, he loved seeing Connor blush and now was even more curious if he'd catch Connor sucking his thumb again, now having been semi-caught in the library.

Seeing Oliver’s retreating back allowed Connor to let out a deep sigh, his hand running through his hair. He couldn’t believe it was happening again. It was only after years of punishments and conditioning that he had been able to stop and he couldn't start again. It was a disgusting thing to do and Connor was ashamed of himself for succumbing to such a childish and pitiful thing, especially in a public place. Connor reassured himself that it was most likely a one-off, probably triggered by this impossible case Annalise had assigned them, and Connor was thankful Oliver hadn’t noticed the slip in his character. If Oliver found out, Connor would disappear off the face of the earth. He wouldn’t be able to take the disgusted look on Oliver’s face and he needed to be more vigilant of where his hands were at all times from now on. 

The third time Connor sucked his thumb in front of Oliver was in an Uber on their way back from a party. The Keating 4 were celebrating the closing of their most recent case which had been helped strongly by Connor’s discovery of the motive. It had taken him a week after Annalise’s deadline for him to figure it out and as soon he did, the case was quickly resolved. Connor had dragged Oliver along to the party whispering along the way that when they got back he was going to do unspeakable things to him. The sight of Connor now made Oliver highly doubt that.

“Hey Connor,” Oliver said softly his hand squeezing his bicep. “I think it’s time for us to go home.”

Connor looked at him with hazy eyes, a cheeky grin on his face. “I don’t think so!” He sang, “come on Ollie, we’ve only been here for an hour, let’s enjoy ourselves!”

Oliver glanced at the amount of empty shot glasses in front of Connor and shook his head, he didn’t want to dance with a blacked out Connor. “How many shots have you taken?”

Still with a cheeky grin on his face, Connor held up three fingers, “It’s only been three!” Connor exclaimed swaying back from Oliver. Why did Oliver look so frustrated with him, he had only taken three, well at least eight, shots of vodka. “Let’s dance Ollie!”

“Yeah, come on!” Encouraged Asher seeming to appear from thin air. “Let’s go get these bodies movin’! We nailed our case and it’s time to celebrate O! Come on!”

“Asher,” chided Michaela grabbing his hand. “Oliver’s right, it’s time Connor went home. He celebrated too quickly, let them be. We’ll see him on Monday okay? Bye Oliver,” Mikaela said leading Asher away from the pair. She had noticed Connor’s deteriorating state and had come over to see if she should call him an Uber home. Having Oliver take over and take care of Connor was a blessing, it meant she no longer had to deal with her drunken friend and could instead make out with Asher

“Boooo,” Connor said pouting as they walked away turning to face the dance floor. He didn’t want to go, it was because of him the case was solved and he wanted to celebrate. He had worked hard all week and had kicked ass in the classroom, he deserved to have a little fun. “Please Ollie, let’s go dance!”

“I’ll dance with you when we get home,” bargained Oliver firmly taking his hand and leading him away from the party. “We’ll have tons of fun at home, I promise.”

Connor opened his mouth to argue with Oliver, he wasn’t ready to go home but seeing the weary look on Oliver’s face made him close his mouth. He didn’t want to upset Oliver and with another tug, Connor resignedly followed him.

“Oliver you have to go slower,” Connor informed him as they descended the stairs, “too fast babe, you’re going too fast.” 

“Well maybe if you hadn’t gotten belligerent we wouldn’t be having this problem,” huffed Oliver as he slowed down. He couldn’t tell what type of drunk Connor was going to be with this much alcohol in his system and he hated it. Connor normally was an affectionate drunk and tended to give Oliver lots of kisses but they had surpassed that stage 3 shots ago and now Oliver couldn’t tell which way Connor was leaning towards: an emotionally wrecked drunk or a pukey drunk. He didn’t like either of them but a pukey drunk was easier to deal with than an emotionally vulnerable one, it broke Oliver’s heart to hear how Connor perceived himself when it really wasn’t so. 

“Are you mad?” Connor asked softly. He didn’t mean to upset Ollie, he was just so excited from winning the case that he had wanted to celebrate. He hadn’t meant to upset anybody, he thought he had been good. Connor blinked slowly, his thoughts beginning to mush together as the alcohol began to take an even greater hold. Getting no response from Oliver, Connor teared up using his free hand to swat away the stray tears that had rolled down his cheek. “I’m sorry,” Connor said, his fingers tightening around Oliver’s, “I just wanted to have some fun tonight.”

“Oh Connor,” Oliver replied hearing the desperation in his voice; apparently tonight was an emotionally vulnerable night. “No sweetie, I’m not mad. I’m tired and taking it out on you. You asked me multiple times before we went out tonight if it was okay if you went hard and I told you yes. I promise you didn’t upset me, I’m just exhausted.”

Oliver watched Connor’s head give a small nod and sighed already knowing Connor’s thoughts were beginning to race about what he had done wrong when in reality, Oliver really was just tired. Hopefully he’d fall asleep quick and wake up having forgotten how upset he felt in that moment over such a small thing.

Oliver wrapped his arm tightly around Connor once they were outside, patiently waiting for the Uber. Once it arrived, Oliver helped a now sleepy Connor into the car and then buckled both of them up. Within a minute, Connor’s head was resting on the side of the window, his eyelids drooping.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep on me now,” Oliver said giving him the smallest of shakes. “Once we’re home we can rest okay? All wrapped up in our soft blankets.”

“You’re making me more tired,” mumbled Connor his head pounding. The motion of the car was beginning to give him the spins and his mind was reeling from earlier; was Oliver mad at him or was he actually tired. His stomach in knots and his brain fuzzy, Connor brought his right hand up to his face letting his thumb graze across the bottom of his lip thinking about how nice it would feel firmly lodged in his mouth.

Connor let the digit rest lightly on his lips longing for the security of his thumb that would allow him to relax and remind himself that it was in his head, Oliver wasn’t mad at him and he hadn’t been bad tonight. He couldn’t stop himself. Connor let his thumb slip between his teeth and land firmly on his tongue giving it a strong suck already feeling the knots in his stomach loosening. Blinking slowly, Connor rested his head on the glass letting his eyelids become heavy, ignoring the voice in his head to stay awake and take his disgusting habit elsewhere. 

“Hey Connor, we’re home,” Oliver said seeing their apartment come into view. Detaching himself from Connor and getting a full view of him, Oliver’s mouth dropped. Once again, Connor was sucking his thumb. How was it that Connor looked even more adorable leaning against the window in such an innocent position, doing such an innocent thing. It made Oliver fall in love with him even more when it should have pushed him away.

“Connor,” Oliver said again giving him a nudge, grateful to see Connor’s eyes flicker back open. “It’s time to get out. Take my hand baby,” Oliver told him holding out his hand for Connor to take. To Oliver’s surprise Connor’s right hand slipped from his mouth straight into Oliver’s outstretched hand. Oliver wasn’t repulsed by the spit now touching his hand but instead by the realization that had come over him. If Connor continued to suck his thumb, Oliver needed to start carrying around hand sanitizer or something so if it happened again he could ensure no germs were spread and getting both of them ill. 

Pulling Connor gently out of the car and thanking the driver they headed up to the apartment, Connor leaning heavily on Oliver for support as they ascended the stairs. Oliver was now regretful their apartment elevator wasn’t getting fixed until that Tuesday, it would’ve been much easier to take the elevator. 

Once inside, Oliver gently sat Connor on the bed before beginning to unbutton his blue dress shirt. “You looked really good tonight,” Oliver said making casual conversation as he undressed his boyfriend for bed. “And really happy, I’m glad you helped resolve that case.”

“Thanks,” replied Connor quietly his eyes beginning to shut. “Sleep now Ol?”

“Of course,” Oliver told him as he tucked in into his side of the bed glad he had preemptively placed a bucket, glass of water, and aspiring on the bedside table before they went out. Oliver quickly slid under the covers and turned to face Connor, who was sound asleep sucking his thumb again. Oliver needed to get to the bottom of this new habit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been in my brain for a while so I said fuck it and decided to write it. This is going to be a story of fluff and major cuteness so please enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

Standing in nothing but briefs late the next day, Connor turned to face a sleepy Oliver. "Look man, I'm sorry about last night. I-I shouldn't have drunk that much even though you said you didn't mind but really it was still too much and yeah-I'm sorry."

"Connor," Oliver said rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He had hoped that Connor would have slept off the conversation from the night before but apparently not. "You were fine last night," Oliver reassured. "I appreciate you asking me if it's okay when you want to drink that much and I'd only be mad if you hadn't let me know, but you did so it's okay. I'm not mad Connor, I promise."

"Promise?"

"Yes." 

It hurt Oliver when Connor was insecure. Connor's bouts of insecurity had started after Wes's murder and the pain Oliver saw surround Connor intensified his desire to protect him. Oliver couldn't fathom how traumatic Wes's murder would have been to witness and to top it off, Connor blamed himself. Nothing anybody said helped Connor understand that it wasn't his fault, there was nothing he could've done and yet, Connor still blamed himself. 

It was a client that had murdered Wes in a hit and run. Connor had been the one to tell her to meet them at office, that Wes had formed a plea bargain that would only get her five years in prison instead of twenty-five. Apparently that wasn't what she wanted and in a fit of rage had slammed her Toyota Corolla into Wes as he crossed the street. Connor was the only one to witness it. The way Wes's body folded in half, the crunch his head made hitting the asphalt, and the blood, everywhere. The trauma had changed Connor who now rarely brought up ideas during work and had stopped dominating his boyfriend in the bedroom afraid of any decisive decision. 

It wasn't intentional. Connor didn't want to be so affected by waitlist's death but the images wouldn't leave and it was his fault. If he hadn't called that crazy woman then Wes would still be alive. It was his decision that had caused it and he could never forget that. Connor didn't want to need reassurance, to need his boyfriend to hold him tight at night, to make sure everybody was at work before they called clients but he couldn't help it. The murder, the court trial, being a witness, it had made him vulnerable, messed up. 

Connor nodded searching Oliver's face for a lie, trying to gauge if Oliver was hiding how upset he was. Seeing nothing, Connor shifted back into his confident self. Oliver wasn't upset at him and he couldn't dwell on the idea that maybe he was. "Okay babe. I'm gonna make us a late lunch, do you want to watch the new Guardians of the Galaxy move after? It's finally released on Netflix."

Oliver nodded letting out a loud yawn, that sounded like a good plan.

\---

"Lunch was great," Oliver told him as he slid on the couch. "I didn't even know you knew how to cook omelets."

"I'm full of surprises," Connor told him pulling Oliver closer. The warmth of Oliver's body relaxing him.

"I know you are," replied Oliver grabbing the remote. Connor was full of surprises: omelets and thumb-sucking, a new thing every week.

Resting his head on Connor's lap, Oliver played the movie occasionally glancing at Connor to see if Connor's new habit would present itself but it never did. Instead Oliver was treated to a head scratch throughout the movie making him very happy but maybe not as happy as catching Connor sucking his thumb would. 

Once the movie finished, Oliver lent over and gave Connor a kiss. "What time is it?" Oliver asked lazily, he loved Saturday's like these, when they did nothing together.

Connor glanced at his phone screen. "It's around 4, why?"

Oliver shrugged, "We're wasting the day away."

Connor rolled his eyes knowing how much Oliver loved to be lazy, to relax after a long week of work. "Project runway or Scandal?" Connor asked flipping to their recordings. "We've got three episodes of Scandal and two of Project Runway. Pick."

"Project Runway," Oliver decided. The first time he caught Connor sucking his thumb was when they were watching Project Runway and he wondered if he could recreate the environment allowing Connor to lapse into sucking his thumb, he wanted to see it again.

Project Runway began to play on the tv, Connor's head now on Oliver's lap, their positions switched.

Oliver began to play with Connor's hair, letting the soft strands run through his fingers. He loved how soft Connor's hair was and how sometimes if Oliver hit the right spot, Connor would let out the cutest of moans. 

It was one of those moans that broke Oliver's concentration on the tv. It was the first moan of the night and Oliver couldn't help but hope that there were going to louder ones later. "Do you like that?" Oliver asked looking down at his boyfriend, his face breaking out into a grin. Connor's right thumb was firmly lodged in his mouth, his eyes partially shut. 

No response. Oliver marveled at how comfortable Connor looked sucking his thumb.

"You're doing it again," Oliver said unable to resist himself as he gently ran the back of his hand across Connor's face. 

The touch of Oliver's hand on his face made Connor realize two things at once: he was sucking his thumb and Oliver had caught him. Ripping the thumb from his mouth, Connor wiped the spit on his pants and quickly detached himself from Oliver trying to play it cool. Maybe if he ignored what had just happened it would go away, he wouldn't have to see the inevitable disgust on Oliver's face. "Doing what?"

"Sucking it," Oliver said softly treading gently on the subject. Connor's reaction to him finding out wasn't surprising, he hated being seen as weak and had just been caught doing such an act that violated the idea he wasn't. 

Connor pulled a pillow close to his chest clutching it tight. He couldn't believe this. He hadn't sucked his thumb in years and in the span of a week he had done it twice. He was disgusting. "Look," Connor said his face tightening. He needed a steely resolve to get through what was about to be an inevitable breakup. He couldn't lose Oliver but he couldn't force him to stay with a thumb-sucker, he didn't deserve that. "Let's cut to the chase. You're disgusted with what you just saw, I'm a terrible boyfriend, you want to breakup. It's okay. I'll accept your decision, just give me a few days to grab all my stuff and I'll be gone. You'll never have to see me again."

"What the fuck Connor?" Oliver exclaimed. That was the last thing he expected to hear. "I'm not breaking up with you."

"You're not?"

Oliver could've cried at the sight before him. Connor's broken shell looking desperately back at him waiting to see if what Oliver had said was a lie.

"No, Connor. Of course not, why did that even cross your mind?" Oliver asked concerned. Had Connor been thinking about that for a while, had things not really been as good as they seemed? 

"Because-because you just caught me doing-," Connor gestured with his head towards his thumb not wanting to say the words out loud. 

"Caught you sucking your thumb?" Prompted Oliver scooting closer to Connor taking both of his hands in his. 

Connor jerked his hands away from Oliver revolted by those words. "Don't say it." 

"It's not the first time I've seen you do it," Oliver told him now gently wrapping his hand around Connor's wrist predicting the inevitable tug away from him and holding tight. Connor liked to flee in uncomfortable situations and he wasn't going to let him. 

Connor's mind flickered back to the day at the library, that was the only time he remembered committing the act, "Library?"

"And at home. Once in a cab," Oliver informed him searching Connor's eyes for any recognition of those incidents immediately noticing the way Connor's nose scrunched up, he was holding back tears. 

"Hey baby it's okay to cry," encouraged Oliver. "I don't mind. I'll love you no matter what."

At those words Connor burst into tears, overwhelmed with the situation. Oliver had just enlightened him on the fact that he didn't even know when he was sucking his thumb and that he didn't care. It was too much for him to take in.

Oliver pulled him close wrapping himself around Connor so that his face was firmly pressed against his chest letting him feel Connor's sobs. Oliver let him cry running his hand up and down Connor's back waiting for the sobs to subside. After fifteen minutes of intense crying, Oliver feel Connor's breathing start to slow, his body eventually pulling away from Oliver's embrace. 

"Sorry," muttered Connor wiping his tears away with the back of his palm. "You've seen me cry so much within the past six months, I'm over it."

"Connor, I want you to cry. It makes you feel better and I don't want you to bottle any of that shit up. How can I be there for you if you don't let me in? 

Connor couldn't help but tear up again at those words. He had let Oliver break down so many of the barriers he had put up to protect himself from the world and Oliver still wanted more. He kept on pushing past each obstacle Connor put in his way, obstacles that other guys had taken one look at and fled, far far away from Connor. But Oliver, he stayed. 

"I'm trying Ollie," Connor said quietly his hands now reaching out to intertwine with Oliver's. "This - this was another thing I thought I had gotten past. I haven't um-" Connor's breathing hitched hating himself for the words that are about to spill out of his mouth, "-haven't sucked my thumb in years. I don't know what's happening."

"Hey babe, we'll figure it out okay?" Reassured Oliver surprised about the little fact Connor had let slip; his boyfriend used to suck his thumb. "I can't emphasize enough that about how much I don't care if you do suck your thumb. If I'm being honest Connor, it's kind of endearing. I'm definitely not going to stop my boyfriend from participating in something so cute and maybe a little exciting, I don't know."

Connor turned beet red. Of course Oliver found positive's in his disgusting habit, he could spin anything.

Oliver leaned over giving Connor a gentle peck on the lips wanting to give reassurance in such a conflicting moment. He would always be there for Connor. "Do you notice when you do it?" Oliver questioned. 

"Apparently not. You just told me I've done it at home and in a cab and I definitely don't remember thinking: Yep, time to suck my thumb as a 26 year old. I remember the library incident but I pushed that as a one off because I was under so much stress from Annalise to find a motive. I believed it was only that one time but now I don't know and I'm scared Oliver, what if it happens again?"

"We can cross that bridge when we come to it," promised Oliver. "But for now, let's relax and if you suck your thumb I'll tell you. It's just a different habit Connor, all will work itself out, I promise."

Connor wasn't convinced by Oliver's words. He couldn't let it happen again. He wouldn't let it happen again. 

Oliver pulled Connor closer to him, letting both of them settle into a comfortable position before pressing play on the remote, his mind whirring. If Oliver was correct then Connor's new habit was caused by stress; the law group combined with Wes's death had probably triggered this old habit as a comfort and relaxation mechanism and Oliver definitely didn't mind. It was an endearing habit and if it helped his boyfriend relax, he wasn't going to stop it.


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you fucking with me?"

"No babe I promise," Oliver reassured regretting his decision immediately on how he had presented the pacifier. Why did he think Connor would blindly accept or agree on switching over to a pacifier when he barely acknowledged his thumb sucking? It was as if Oliver was the only one paying attention to it and understanding how unhygienic it was. A pacifier was a better option and one that benefited Oliver. His boyfriend would look adorable sucking on a pacifier, the constant bob of the object and quiet sucking noises coming from his boyfriend was something of Oliver's dreams. He hated that he was getting more pleasure out of his boyfriend's habit than Connor actually was.

Oliver knew the pacifier was the better long term investment, Connor would be less susceptible to germs and would be able to use the pacifier and both hands simultaneously. It was an object that could maximize relaxation and functionality simultaneously. It was a good idea that Oliver had stupidly brought up at a bad time.

"I can't believe you Oliver," growled Connor, his body shaking from anger. He had never been this mad at Oliver before. How could he stand there and pretend the gift to Connor was actually a gift; it was anything but. It was to humiliate him. "Do you think it's some kind of a joke?"

"No Connor. I-" Oliver's protest was cut off by Connor.

"Clearly you think it's a joke otherwise why would you buy that? It's not funny Oliver. I can't control when I do it and you bringing that object into this house makes it seem like a choice. Throw it out. And don't talk to me tonight," Connor yelled ending with a slam of the bedroom door.

Once there was a barrier between Oliver and himself, Connor burst into tears. It felt like the world was playing a cruel joke on him; haha you suck your thumb, well your boyfriend thinks that you'd like a pacifier, wouldn't you?

Connor didn't. And he hated Oliver for thinking he did. He felt weak and all he wanted now was reassurance from Oliver that he wasn't weak, that sucking his thumb was nothing to be worried about but he couldn't ask for it. He had just screamed at Oliver and didn't deserve comfort from him. He deserved nothing because all he was was a weak thumb-sucking loser.

There was a soft knock on the door. "Connor?" Oliver asked quietly, the "gift" remaining on the kitchen table.

"I'm sorry," Oliver said after a moment wishing the tension in the air would dissipate. He hated how broken Connor had sounded after he presented the pacifier, it was his fault for springing it on to him especially after such a stressful day at work. "Please can I come in? I want to talk, tell you what I was thinking."

"You're thinking that I like it," Connor mumbled through the door, his hand reaching up and twisting it open. It was against his better judgment to let Oliver in and explain himself but already the anger was beginning to dissipate leaving him with an emptiness inside. He needed Oliver.

Oliver let out a sigh of relief when he heard the door unlock quickly slipping inside before Connor could change his mind. Finding Connor with his arms wrapped around his legs and tears running down his face broke Oliver's heart, he hadn't meant to hurt him. "Oh baby," whispered Oliver quickly settling down next to Connor, their bodies side by side. "I didn't mean to upset you with that gift," Oliver told him. "I thought it was a good idea, another avenue for you to explore that could help relax you? I've seen how your body changes when you suck your thumb and thought maybe a pacifier could bring you the same feeling of relief. I only bought one because they're more hygienic than your thumb. A pacifier doesn't collect as much dirt and germs as your thumb and - I'm so sorry Connor. I wasn't thinking about how you'd respond to me giving you the gift with no explanation. It was stupid and I'm sorry."

"You should be," Connor whispered pressing his body firmly against Oliver's. He was relieved Oliver hadn't bought it as a joke but it still didn't hurt any less. He felt like an embarrassment to his boyfriend and wished this stupid habit had stayed dead.

"I'll throw it out," Oliver promised moving to do as such.

"No!" Exclaimed Connor clutching onto Oliver's shirt, pulling him back down. "No um - stay with me please? I need you right now."

Of course he did, Oliver thought angry at himself for putting Connor in such a negative headspace. "Oh babe, I really am sorry."

"I know you are," Connor replied. They stayed that attached for the rest of the night, Connor letting Oliver's soothing words wash over him again until he was asleep, his thumb firmly planted in his mouth.

"You're gonna be full of germs," muttered Oliver affectionally as he tucked his boyfriend in. He wasn't going to give up on the idea of a pacifier, it was cleaner and cuter, and Oliver knew Connor would be even more relaxed if he used one, he just had to convince him and convince him in a way that didn't hurt him like it did tonight.

\---

It was a week later that Oliver came up with the idea. Well, 60 minutes actually gave him the idea but he was going to take credit for it. A reward system. If he could link the pacifier to a rewards system with Connor then Connor would be incentivized to use it and eventually he would use it because he wanted to not because he got a reward for it. Oliver just knew Connor would love the pacifier once he got over the embarrassment and tricking him into using it and eventually loving it was a little sneaky but Oliver didn't care. He wanted what was best for his boyfriend.

Later that night, Oliver brought up the idea. "Would you use it for me?"

Connor looked at him quizzically as he swallowed a bite of pasta. "Uh, use what for you? Oliver this sounds like the start of a porno."

"No," Oliver exclaimed shutting down that idea immediately. This was not the start of a porno, this was the start of his boyfriend using a pacifier.

"Then don't be so cryptic," Connor told him, "otherwise I'm gonna think it's a sex thing. And now I'm horny so thanks."

"Connor shut up," Oliver told him, "I'm talking about the pacifier."

The cheeky grin faded from Connor's face immediately at the word pacifier replaced quickly with a scowl. "You said you wouldn't bring that _thing_ up again."

"I know babe, it's just I haven't stopped thinking about it all week and-"

Connor cut him off his scowl deepening, "I'm serious Oliver. It really hurt me when you suggested it and I don't want to go down that road again. Please." Connor stood up from the table indicating he was done with the conversation. He couldn't believe Oliver had brought it up again, he was never going to willing use that object. He wasn't going to accept his horrible habit by indulging in that _thing_.

Oliver knew Connor was done with the conversation but he wasn't. He wasn't going to bring up the pacifier only to be shut down again. It would be better for Connor to use it and so much hotter too. Oliver hated himself for wanting it but he had to get over his shame. This was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and he had to be honest about what he wanted. 

"I want you to use it because I think it would be hot," blurted out Oliver because he could lose the courage. 

"What did you just say?" Connor asked his heart pounding, had his boyfriend just suggested that seeing him sucking on a pacifier would be hot, not disgusting? 

"You heard me. I think it would be hot, watching you suck on a pacifier."

"What the fuck Oliver? I told you this wasn't some joke. You can't drop shit like that and pretend it's a kink thing to see me with a pacifier. I can't control it Ollie, I don't want to idolize it by using a pacifier. Don't you understand? A pacifier means I accept the fact that I-I suck my thumb and I don't want to. I wish it would go away."

"It would go away if you started using a pacifier," pointed out Oliver. "A pacifier is cleaner than your thumb and by transitioning from your thumb to a pacifier you've switched your oral fixation to an object that you will always know if you have it in your mouth. Using a pacifier means you'd be in control of it. You'd use it instead of your thumb so you'd always know when you do it meaning you'd only do it when you're extremely stressed or are desperate for relaxation. And then eventually you'd stop using it all together because you'll be in complete control. I know what I'm about Connor, I know I'm right."

Connor couldn't deny it, Oliver was right. Maybe a pacifier would be his ticket out of this stupid thumb-sucking and he could be in control of it. That meant agreeing with Oliver. "No."

"I'll give you a blowjob if you use it," bargained Oliver enacting his 60 minutes plan. 

That stopped Connor in his tracts. Oliver hated giving blowjobs which sucked because Connor loved receiving them. The tightness around his dick, looking down at his lover and enjoying the moment. "For how long?"

"How long will I give you the blowjob?" Oliver replied confused. "Um, until you cum man. Just like any normal one."

"No," blushed Connor not at the thought of the blowjob but what he was about to say. "How long do I have to use the pacifier for?"

Oliver broke out into a grin, he knew it was going to work. "One episode of The Walking Dead, that's it."

"And you'll give me a blowjob if I do it?" Connor asked mulling over the idea.

Oliver nodded eagerly.

"Okay," Connor agreed after a moment's hesitation. "But only one episode of The Walking Dead and that's it. I'm not using it again."

"Yay yay yay!" Exclaimed Oliver running over and giving Connor a hug. "Thank you," he whispered in his ear, "It's going to be one hell of a blowjob, especially after I get to watch you use your pacifier."

"Fuck off," groaned Connor pulling Oliver closer. "You're literally the worst."

That's how they ended up on the couch, Connor's head once again in Oliver's lap, this time though with the blue pacifier sticking out of his mouth, it bobbing up and down. It wasn't the worst Connor would admit. It did relax him but the thought that it also made Oliver happy meant the world to him. And the blowjob, that was a pretty good addition to this situation. He'd do a lot of things for a blowjob from Oliver including sucking on a pacifier.


	4. Chapter 4

Sucking a pacifier was worth it. The blowjob from Oliver was unforgettable and had put him into one of the deepest sleeps he had ever had, Oliver knew how to work him. Connor couldn’t deny that he was the best boyfriend despite his fixation on the stupid pacifier.

“That won’t happen again,” Connor told him the next morning spooning oatmeal into his mouth.

“Not even for another blowjob?” Oliver teased smiling at the way Connor’s face lit up at the suggestion and knew then that he was going to succeed in getting his boyfriend to transition into sucking on a pacifier, it was hygienic and hot.

“I’ll think about it,” he replied giving Oliver a quick peck on the lips before heading off to work.

\---

“I brought home tiramisu for dessert,” Oliver yelled as he closed the door to their apartment. 

“Tiramisu?” Connor’s head peeked up from the couch cushions.

Oliver grinned, “Your favourite right?”

“Of course it’s my favourite,” exclaimed Connor, “so hand it over.”

Oliver cheekily shook his head putting the tiramisu in the fridge and slyly pulling the pacifier out from the kitchen draw. “How was work?”

Connor rolled his eyes, “you know Annalise. She works us ragged so I’d say the usual.”

“Stressful then?”

“Yes stressful,” Connor said exasperated, “that’s why I deserve tiramisu. Hand it over.”

“I’ll give it to you in exchange for half an hour,” Oliver bargained holding up the pacifier. Oliver watched as Connor’s face changed from one of excitement to embarrassment at the sight of the pacifier.

“No Oliver,” refused Connor slumping back down into the couch. Why was Oliver bringing out the stupid pacifier, he hadn’t been sucking his thumb and he wasn’t even considering it. “I’m not using it, not even for the most delicious creation known to man.”

“Not even if I feed you?” Oliver questioned knowing he was playing into Connor’s weaknesses, Connor liked being fed. Oliver remembered him saying once that he rarely trusted anybody to feed him because it was such an intimate experience, one that gave him joy. 

A muffled response came from the couch.

“Slowly, with lots of little kisses between each bite?” Bribed Oliver.

“Thirty minutes only,” was the reply Oliver received giving him a giddy feeling. He was going to get to see his boyfriend suck a pacifier and feed him tiramisu, it was going to be a good night.

“That’s not happening again,” Connor told him the next morning.

Oliver bit back a smile at the déjá vu. “But you look so cute when your lips are parted with a pacifier,” pouted Oliver as he buttoned his work shirt.

“They could be parted with something else,” suggested Connor his eyes trailing downwards.

Oliver blushed at the flirtatious comment. “I’m intrigued that the mention of your pacifier made you think of something else, association much?”

Now it was Connor’s turn to blush. The pacifier wasn’t a sexual object and Oliver suggesting that made him feel dirty; using the pacifier was something to please Oliver, it was a kinky thing for him, not Connor. The pacifier, as Oliver had explained to him again was a useful tool in transitioning him away from thumb sucking and into control with his life with the added bonus of looking cute as hell while doing so. 

“Fuck off Oliver,” muttered Connor as his eyes landed on the discarded pacifier, the plastic rim taunting him.

“Love you too.”

\--- 

“Another stressful day?” Oliver asked when he got home. It was a redundant question, the files surrounding Connor were a clear indication that work had been stressful and that he had brought the stress home with him; another sign was the left thumb firmly wedged in Connor’s mouth.

Connor gave him a thumbs up, a clear sign he didn’t want to start a conversation with Oliver, he’d end up losing his train of thought if he did.

Oliver put his backpack on the kitchen table and studied Connor wondering if he knew he was currently sucking his thumb. It was a cute sight having Connor’s thumb in his mouth but Oliver could see if was hindering his productivity, there was no way Connor was able to shuffle through all those papers sprawled out in front of him in a speedy manner if he only had the use of one hand. This was where the pacifier would come in handy.

“Have you eaten?” Oliver inquired.

A nod from Connor.

“Do you know you’re currently sucking your thumb? Oliver questioned grabbing the pacifier from its hiding place and holding it behind his back.

Connor angrily glared at Oliver, his thumb finally dislodging from his mouth producing a small amount of spittle on his chin. It was adorably cute. 

“Yes okay? Stop asking me so many questions Ollie. I’m wrapped up in a pretty intense case right now, a double murder-suicide, I don’t know and I don’t have time to be answering all of these questions.”

“Connor,” warned Oliver not liking the tone he was using with him. Connor was under a lot more pressure than he assumed for him to be acting so curtly with him – again another reason why a pacifier would help him calm down.

Connor ran his hand through his hair letting out a long sigh. “Sorry,” he said after a moment. He hadn’t meant to be brash with Oliver, he had only been curious about how his day went and Connor had just dismissed him. He hadn’t even asked how his day went, he was a shit boyfriend. 

“Sorry,” he said again, “this case is really railing me and Annalise hasn’t even given me a moment to breathe. Sometimes I feel she works me harder than any of the others and I don’t know why, I’m just as good of a lawyer as them – at least I think I am.”

“Of course you’re just as good, better than most of them,” claimed Oliver sliding into the seat next to Connor and placing a reassuring hand on his thigh. “I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, Annalise doesn’t deserve you and your talents. There are so many other firms that would die to have you be part of them. You’re a great lawyer Connor and if Annalise doesn’t see that, it’s time for you to move on.”

“I can’t move on Ollie. It pays well and right now, I’m at the brink of finding out if this was a murder-suicide but I keep on having to look through this paper work one handed because of this stupid habit,” Connor exclaimed waving his hand around in anger, “I’m going to get back to this now because it’s going to take me longer than usual to finish because of this disgusting thing. Hopefully I’ll be done before you go to sleep and we can cuddle? You can tell me all about your day and how boring being a finance computer person is.”

Oliver rolled his eyes, “It’s not that bad and I’ve told you before that I’ve switched out of finance into accounting.”

“Accounting, finance, it’s all the same,” joked Connor.

“I still want to talk to you about it,” Oliver said. He had had a pretty interesting day at work today, he had found a $100000 mistake on one of the papers and he was pretty proud of it. “You know what would make you finish this faster?”

“A blowjob from boyfriend to spur me into action?” Connor suggested, his hand trailing up Oliver’s thigh.

“No, not that,” Oliver said pushing his hand away and bringing the pacifier from behind his back. “This,” he stated letting the blue rim catch the light.

Connor let out a groan wishing he could grind the pacifier to dust in the garbage disposal, the only reason he hadn’t thrown it away was because it made Oliver happy. “C’mon Ollie, I don’t wanna. I know it makes you happy and you think it can help me take control of my habit, my repulsive habit, but it’s not going too and you’re putting pressure on me to use it when I don’t want to and just no okay? I’m too stressed tonight to indulge. Put it away.”

“That’s why you should use it,” persisted Oliver, “you literally just said you’re stressed but if you use this then you can work with both hands and still have that soothing sucking motion to calm you down. It will help you take control, I swear. I wouldn’t push so hard Connor if I didn’t think it wasn’t going to help and the fact that I enjoy it as I’ve told you before is an added bonus. Please Connor, just try using it tonight. If it doesn’t calm you like your think, if I’m wrong – I’ll give you another blowjob.”

Connor glared at the pacifier in Oliver’s outstretched hand. He had just yelled at Oliver for pushing it on to him, he didn’t believe it would help him take control but he couldn’t help but want to make Oliver happy. This would be the last time though he thought as he grabbed it from Oliver’s hand. “It better be an amazing blowjob,” he muttered as he slid the rubber nipple into his mouth, automatically beginning to suck. With a wave he dismissed Oliver and turned back to his work, the pacifier wouldn’t work, little did Connor know how wrong he was. 

\--- 

“Where is that damn thing?” Connor muttered angrily as he rummaged through the draw. He had seen Oliver pull the pacifier out of the draw multiple times and – “Yes!” Connor exclaimed triumphantly as he pulled the pacifier out. Connor blushed at his outburst, glad Oliver wasn’t there to witness his search for the taboo object. Oliver would comment how happy he was Connor was reaching for it and how beneficial it would be for him and Connor didn’t need any of that right now. Now, now he needed the use of both hands and comfort, comfort he’d get from this childish object.

“This is all your fault,” grumbled Connor as he rinsed the pacifier in the sink before popping it into his mouth. Over the past month, Oliver had brought out the pacifier for Connor to use almost daily insisting it was cleaner, more comforting, and overall better to us than his thumb. Connor had continued to deny the claim but Oliver’s persistence and rewards had resulted in him caving every time and now it was ingrained in him that a pacifier could mean comfort just as much as his thumb except he had control over it. Damn Oliver for being right.

This was the first time Connor had sought the pacifier out without Oliver’s prompting. He needed his head in the game to figure out the tough case Annalise had given him once again. However much he hated it, the pacifier would calm him and hopefully he’d be able to finish all the work he needed to do before Oliver got home and they could have major cuddles.

That was the sight Oliver came home to later that night, his boyfriend once again at the dining room table surrounded by paperwork.

“Another long day?” Oliver asked already heading to the kitchen draw to grab Connor’s pacifier knowing his boyfriend most likely needed it. Oliver caught Connor’s head nod once not surprised by the mute response, he probably had his thumb in his mouth.

Unable to find the pacifier in the draw Oliver let out a frustrated sigh knowing he had put it back there yesterday. Was this the time Connor had decided to get rid of it? He had threatened countless times before to dispose of the object but never once had followed through with the threat; now Oliver was wondering if he had. He didn’t misplace things so Connor must have moved it.

Oliver quickly checked the bin to see if Connor had thrown it in there but coming up empty handed made Oliver frustrated, where was the object?

“Connor? Do you know where the – oh,” Oliver said stopping short once he arrived at the dining room table, truly getting a good look at Connor. There he was, sucking on the pacifier on his own accord. Oliver broke into a grin at the sight taking the ways his boyfriend’s lips parted around the object and the calm look on his face despite the mound of paperwork in front of him. He knew it. He knew the pacifier was a good idea.

“What?” Connor asked, a blush forming on his face as he pulled the pacifier from his mouth with a soft popping sound. He was embarrassed he had been caught using it without being coerced; using it on his own volition made him feel weak, weaker than he had ever felt sucking his thumb. That felt less despicable than using a pacifier and he could feel Oliver itching to say something.

“Uh, no, I was going to ask if you knew where the Chinese take-out menu was? I’m kind of craving it for dinner,” Oliver explained not bringing up the pacifier now placed precariously on the edge of the table. He didn’t want to discourage Connor from using the pacifier by mentioning how ecstatic he felt at the sight, Connor had finally taken initiative and used the pacifier own his own and Oliver had to let that play out naturally, without doing what he really wanted to which was jump up and down and scream from excitement.

Connor looked around the room knowing he had placed it down earlier. “Living room couch,” he finally said spotting the object tucked between two couch cushions.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” grumbled Oliver, “who leaves a take-out menu hiding under a couch cushion?”

“It’s clearly visible,” argued Connor, “but I’ll take Sweet and Sour Pork please.”

“Mixing it up I see,” Oliver stated, “not Sesame?”

Connor shook his head giving Oliver a gentle peck on the lips. “You’re lucky you’re cute,” he mirrored before turning back to his work.

Oliver grabbed the take-out menu from the couch and flicked through it finally deciding on Mongolian beef. Looking towards Connor he smiled affectionately at his boyfriend quickly observing the pacifier no longer laid on the table and when he leaned in closely he was able to hear the faintest of sucking noises confirming that it was firmly planted back in Connor’s mouth. 

After that night, Oliver would come home occasionally to his boyfriend sucking on the pacifier. It was those nights he knew to be gentle with him and enjoy the moment. He loved Connor completely and the addition of the pacifier made Oliver’s life a little more whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated and craved.
> 
> I think I'm going to start a few short stories for either The Umbrella Academy or The Magicians with lots of hurt/comfort themes, comment below if you'd be interested in reading that.
> 
> And thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed.


	5. Chapter 5

“You’re late,” whispered Michaela as Connor slid into his seat.

“Looks like I’m on time. Annalise isn’t here.”

Michaela huffed at those words and sat up straighter when Annalise strode into the room as if beckoned by the mention of her name.

“There has been a hit and run on highway 77,” began Annalise cutting the formalities and dropping four manila folders on the table. “Our client is suing the state for negligence, she claims that there were no stationed officers or speed cameras along the highway to monitor and and enforce the speed limit. She wants us to argue that it’s the state’s fault her boyfriend is dead. It is your job to make that a real argument; fighting the state is practically impossible so work hard and figure out how we can win this.” 

Connor shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he nervously reached out to grab a folder. His chest began to pound at the first image. There lay an African American male, his body contorted into an unimaginable position and surrounded by blood. Connor felt the blood ooze out of the picture and onto his hands and – he couldn’t do it. Connor abruptly stood up. “I don’t feel good. Tell Annalise I’ve gone home sick; I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Connor!” Laurel exclaimed, “you can’t disappear at the beginning of a case, Annalise will kill you! I will kill you if you leave us with your work.”

“Tomorrow,” Connor yelled as he rushed out of the house. Out of prying eyes, Connor lent over and vomited, the images of Wes’s hit and run flashing on a loop in his brain. He couldn’t argue a hit and run case; every detail reminded him of Wes and his mistake. The mistake he had made that had cost Wes his life. Connor heaved again, he couldn’t do it. 

With shaky hands Connor dialed the only number he knew that could help praying Oliver would pick up. “Please – please pick up,” whispered Connor, the smell of vomit permeating his nostrils. 

“Connor? Is everything alright?” Oliver asked anxiously. Connor wouldn’t call at 7:30 in the morning unless something was wrong. 

“Ollie, please. Come pick me up.”

“Oh my god babe, are you okay?” Oliver exclaimed as he pulled alongside a now composed Connor.

“I’m fine,” muttered Connor as he got into the car; his hands shook as he buckled up his seatbelt and only stopped twisting when Oliver’s hand wrapped tightly around his, grounding him.

“Connor, what happened?” Oliver inquired, his tone gentle. Connor was a wreck; his hair was dishelved, beads of sweat lined his face, and a distinct smell of vomit had entered the car with Connor. 

Connor broke down no longer able to contain himself at the sight of Oliver. “It was a hit and run case and I-I can’t get those images out of my head. It’s on a loop, over and over. There was so much blood and -,” Connor began to choke on his own sobs, “-and he’s only dead because of me. I can’t, I can’t do the case Oliver but I’ll be fired if I don’t and I don’t know what to do.” 

“Connor,” Oliver sympathized rubbing his thumb back and forth over Connor’s hand as he started to drive home. “It wasn’t your fault,” he began hating the amount of times he had said those words wishing Connor would understand it wasn’t his fault, the woman had intentionally murdered Wes, Connor’s phone call wouldn’t have stopped it. He still didn’t see it and all he could do was support him and hopefully through that support and therapy Connor would one day be able to understand that he wasn’t to blame for Wes’s death. 

“You need to tell Annalise you can’t work the case. You’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and you literally aren’t allowed to work cases that can trigger it and even though I’m not a lawyer, I’m pretty certain Annalise can’t fire you for that because of your medical diagnosis or something along those lines. Tomorrow you are getting assigned to a new case or to a non-involved part of this case and if she doesn’t, you sue her.”

“It’s not that easy,” Connor informed him, “everybody will be upset with me for putting more work on them and I can’t deal with them being mad at me.”

“If they get upset with you they’ll have me to deal with,” Oliver exclaimed, “nobody’s hurting my baby, don’t you worry.”

Connor gave him a soft smile; Oliver really knew what to say to help him.

“Is it okay if we just lay in bed?” Connor questioned shyly when they arrived home. He felt vulnerable and the prospect of Oliver denying him what he desperately craved made him skittish and it would be Connor’s fault if Oliver said no; he craved more reassurance since the hit and run and relied heavily on Oliver to provide it to him. It would be his downfall when Oliver said no. Connor knew he needed to distance himself and be aloof like he was before as to not scare Oliver off but he couldn’t stop himself; he needed the praise and comfort to feel whole, to drive away the demons in his head.

“Of course,” agreed Oliver pulling him towards the bedroom. 

Once they were comfortably situated in bed, Oliver began to stroke Connor’s hair letting the strands pass through his fingers. He wished he could take away the visions seared into Connor’s brain. He wished he could do more than just be present with Connor.

Connor melted like putty into Oliver’s embrace and started to cry again. He didn’t deserve any of this. 

“It’s okay baby,” petted Oliver, “I’m here and I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.” Soft words of praise dominated the first half of the day letting Connor slowly process the situation and it was around lunch time that Oliver noticed Connor had finally stopped crying and only streaks of tears remained on his face. Oliver was relieved Connor had stopped crying hoping it was an indication that Connor had processed what he needed too and was feeling more whole. A second look at his boyfriend told him otherwise. Oliver watched as Connor snaked his hand towards his face and his lips wrapping around his thumb in a perfect o – Connor was not okay.

Oliver glanced at the door wishing the pacifier wasn’t currently sitting in a draw, far far away from them. They needed another pacifier for moments like this, Oliver would have to buy more.

They laid together for another hour in comfortable silence until Connor shifted into a sitting position, dropping his hand from his face. “Thanks Ollie,” whispered Connor. Oliver always knew what he needed and the time they had just taken to be quiet had allowed him to calm down, he loved Oliver.

“I’m sorry you had to miss work,” Connor started, “I hope today wasn’t important.” 

“Not really and even if it was, you still come first. I pick you over my job any day.”

Connor blushed at those words swatting away Oliver’s playful hands. “Stop,” he said with a giggle.

“Stop what?” Oliver asked continuing to trail his hands up and down Connor’s arms and thighs, making circles around his groin, grinning when he saw the fabric stiffen.

Connor leaned over and gave him a deep kiss mimicking Oliver’s motions. “I love you Ollie.”

“I love you too,” replied Oliver before pushing Connor down onto the bed and straddling him. “Now fuck me.”

Connor awoke later that day from the buzzing of his phone. 

“Pick it up already,” moaned Oliver, “I wanna go back to cuddling.”

“Hello?”

Michaela’s voice was easy to hear through the phone. “Connor! What the hell? Are you okay?”

“What – no, um, yeah,” stumbled Connor beginning to gnaw on his thumb. He hadn’t thought about the repercussions of ditching work and Michaela’s tone of voice indicated to him that there was going to be a few. 

“Then why did you leave?” Michaela’s exasperation was clear. “Everybody, especially Annalise, is frustrated with you. You left with no explanation, you couldn’t even be bothered to text?” After a moment’s pause, Michaela’s tone shifted. “Connor I was worried, you can’t do that. At least not to me.” 

“Fuck Michaela, I’m sorry.”

“It was because the case is a hit and run correct?” Michaela inquired. She had picked up the change in Connor immediately, as if she wasn’t going to notice her best friend had less pep in his step and now allowed Asher to bulldoze over him in cases. Connor had no fight in him for a long time and Michaela had briefly thought it was getting better but today confirmed her worst fears that it wasn’t. Connor wasn’t okay. “Connor, you have to tell Annalise you can’t work these types of cases. They are not good for you.”

“That’s what I said,” interjected Oliver.

“Am I on speaker?” Michaela asked angrily. How was she meant to have a private conversation with Connor with Oliver listening in?

“Oh no, I can hear you.” 

Michaela swore. “I’m only yelling because I care about you Connor! I expect to see you bright and early tomorrow and I then expect you to talk to Annalise. See you then and stay safe Connor,” and with a click she was gone.

“Man she can talk fast,” Oliver told Connor pulling him into his chest. “You know she’s right, you have to go and talk to Annalise tomorrow and explain. If you don’t, you’ll be stuck on a case that is literally breaking you and we can’t have that okay? You shouldn’t be around that; promise me you’ll talk to her?”

“I’m scared.” He was ashamed about his weakness.

“Michaela will be with you tomorrow and I’m a phone call away or a thirty-minute drive if you’re patient enough to wait. She’ll be understanding, wait and see.” 

\--- 

“Excuse me Mr. Walsh, you want to do what?” 

“I’d like to be exempt from working this case,” Connor repeated feebly. The conversation was not going over well.

Annalise looked at him with an amused smile, what gall Mr. Walsh had to waltz into her office and demand to be taken off a case. She knew she had made a mistake keeping him on after Wes’s death, that’s why she had been working him harder than the others to get him back to where he was before the accident. He needed to work cases like these so he could move on.

“I don’t think that would be the best idea Mr. Walsh,” Annalise said straightening the papers in front of her. “Your insight is, as usual, critical to the case and would be sorely missed if you should be taken off this assignment.” 

Connor shifted uncomfortably hating how Annalise was pandering to him but deep down he hoped she meant what she said. He was bright and maybe he was needed on the case. 

“I-I’m just not sure,” began Connor again glancing desperately at the closed door wishing he had taken Michaela up on her offer to come with him, she would have steamrolled Annalise in this type of conversation.

Annalise waved her hand dismissively indicating Connor’s argument would fall on deaf ears. “You will remain on the case Mr. Walsh and as a courtesy to you, I will put you on data analysis. You may go.”

Connor didn’t need to be told twice rushing out of the office and straight into Michaela. “Connor, are you off the case?” 

“I’m on data analysis,” he mumbled. Data analysis meant he wouldn’t have to see the images but he would have to read years’ worth of statistics on hit and runs, it still wasn’t the best. 

Michaela crossed her arms in defiance. “Data analysis Connor? You should have let me go in there with you, you’re still part of a case that directly impacts you. Connor let me go in there and talk to her.”

Connor pushed Michaela away from the door earning a glare from Asher. “Don’t,” he begged, pain etched across his face at the thought of Michaela going in there to do a job he couldn’t. “I’ll get Oliver to help me with the files so I won’t have to look at as many okay? I promise I’ll be fine.” 

Michaela raised her eyebrows but dropped her stance, she knew when to stop pushing Connor. “Fine, but if you go sideways and don’t tell me or let me help, I am going to be furious and you do not want to make me mad.” 

Connor shook his head; he did not want to make Michaela mad. Sliding into his seat, Connor began to diligently read over the statistics trying to dissociate the numbers from reality. He couldn’t stop his brain from associating the numbers with Wes and the fateful day.

Connor didn’t notice he was doing it until he heard a snigger. Looking up Connor was surprised to find himself alone in the room with Asher who wore a look like he had just won the lottery.

“Oh this is fantastic,” Asher exclaimed giddily. “I always knew there was something wrong with you and it turns out I’m right. You’re just one big loser. A thumb-sucking loser.”

That was when Connor felt it, the pressure on his tongue. Connor ripped his hand out of his mouth and ran from the room and out of the house for the second day in the row. He ran until he couldn’t run any longer and collapsed on a sidewalk. He had just been caught sucking his thumb by Asher, he didn’t think life could get any worse. He wanted to kill himself.


	6. Chapter 6

His life was ruined and it was all because of his disgusting habit, a habit that resurfaced because of Wes’s passing. Connor shouldn’t have allowed Annalise to bully him into staying on the case, if he had only listened to Oliver and Michaela then it would have been avoided. He would be off the case and Asher – Asher wouldn’t have caught him sucking his thumb. Connor let out a cry of rage before dissolving into sobs letting his tears blend with the water, it was all his own damn fault.

He laid there until the water ran cold and shivers racked his body and it was out of sheer determination that, with shaky hands, he was able to turn off the water and wrap the discarded towel on the floor around his shoulders. Connor curled into himself, Oliver wasn’t home and he was alone, alone with his thoughts.

Connor understood what he was doing was unhealthy, letting the shivers rack his body and the self-deprecating thoughts wash over him until Oliver came home and could comfort him and provide him with reassurance that it would all be okay. Connor used to be able to do that himself, his belief in who he was had been enough and only since the accident did he begin to doubt, to question if his words had ever been good enough, that believing in himself could ever be enough again – probably not. 

That was how Oliver found him later that evening; in the bathtub, completely naked and shivering. The worst part was how Connor reacted when he entered, there wasn’t one and the sight before him was terrifying. 

“Babe?” The question cut through the silence and Oliver finally saw Connor’s face, broken. He hadn’t seen that look since the day Wes died, Oliver was going to hurt whoever had done this to him because the look on Connor’s face was one he wished he could forget but there it was staring at him, needing him, desperate for him. Oliver vowed this would be the last time Connor’s face would ever look like that.

The question was left unanswered; the only response Connor was giving was occasional shivers. “How long have we been sitting in the tub?” Oliver asked gently pulling his own towel off the wall and draping it over Connor’s shoulders before sitting down on the edge of the basin. Again, no response. “Have we been sitting here long?”

Oliver pursed his lips when Connor refused to answer and begun to gently run his fingers through Connor’s damp hair waiting patiently for the contact to revive Connor into the world of the living, to remind him a world existed outside of his own mind. Oliver didn’t repeat his questions again and instead sat there next to him playing with his hair, the touch ever so gentle. Slowly, painstakingly, Connor’s arms uncurled from his legs and then his legs from his stomach before leaning into Oliver’s touch; he was back. 

“Babe,” Oliver tried again, “I think we need some pajamas and the blue fuzzy blanket, the one Michaela bought for you, to warm up. Should I go grab the pajamas and bring them back or do you want to go together, what would you like babe?”

Oliver didn’t expect a verbal response and when Connor looked at him with his broken eyes, Oliver knew now what not the right time to leave him alone, he wasn’t ready to be alone for a while. Oliver repressed his sigh, this was a complete 180˚ from what Oliver had been expecting to arrive home too, it was going to take ages for Connor to recover and Oliver hated that he could only help so much. Half of it was the battle in Connor’s head which Oliver couldn’t protect him from but he would try his best to protect him from what he could, never again would his boyfriend be this broken.

“Let’s go together,” Oliver told him standing from the tub. Gently, he helped Connor push himself up keeping a firm grip on him the whole way until they were standing together in the middle of the bedroom. The sight of Connor, naked, and not knowing what to do with himself was just another sight Oliver could never forget. “Let’s get dry and dressed,” Oliver informed him lovingly drying him off before grabbing a random pair of pajamas from the dresser and helping Connor, limb by limb, step into the ensemble. “All dressed.”

Oliver helped Connor slide into the covers before following suit immediately curling himself around the shivering body and pulling Michaela’s present over them, Connor was ice cold.

They stayed intertwined together, the silence speaking for itself; Oliver would wait until Connor was ready to speak and they would go from there. 

It was nearing midnight and Oliver was half-asleep, still fully dressed in his suit and tie, when Connor spoke. “Asher saw.”

Oliver remained quiet. Whatever had happened at work had hurt him and Oliver couldn’t jump in and help until Connor gave him the full story otherwise he’d alter Connor’s view of the situation and further hurt him.

“Asher saw me s-sucking it,” Connor was sobbing softly to himself now, the incident reminding him how much of an embarrassment he was to allow himself to lose control and suck his thumb and then need somebody to help him remember that he was good, that he was a good person – he was a terrible person let alone boyfriend. “I should have listened and I’m s-sorry Ollie that I didn’t and that I’m a bad boyfriend, I’m so sorry.”

The grip around him tightened. “I’m sorry that happened and you’re not a bad boyfriend; the suggestion of pulling yourself from a case was a bit much to handle and that’s okay, it doesn’t make you a bad boyfriend because you didn’t. You’re my good boyfriend whom I love very much.”

“Asher saw,” Connor repeated leaning harder into Oliver’s embrace craving his touch, the beating of his heart. “Starting tomorrow I’ll be the laughing stock at work, Asher’s probably told everyone by now, and-,” Connor dissolved into another fit of tears, the idea of returning causing bile to rise in his throat and he had been fighting for so long to stay, now it was all pointless, “-and now I’ll just be a repulsive and useless thumbsucker.”

“Hush,” Oliver commanded. “Your thumb-sucking is not repulsive. Just because you suck your thumb, a habit you are working on to control, does not make you useless and yes, it sucks there was a little mishap with Asher but we’ll work through it, together, like we always do.”

“You won’t be there tomorrow,” sniffled Connor letting Oliver’s words wash over him; when Oliver was there, everything was better. “I’ll have to deal with this myself and I don’t know if I can, it’s all been too much Ollie and I don’t know how.”

“You can deal with it yourself, you are a strong person Connor and a little hiccup like this doesn’t make you any weaker. If Asher says anything, you smack him sideways, he’s only lording this over you because he’s jealous. You are a better person and that infuriates him and funnily enough, you don’t have to worry about dealing with him yourself, I’m consulting at your firm tomorrow. Annalise, she texted at lunch and asked if I could hack into surveillance camera’s tomorrow so if you fumble, which you won’t, when you tell Asher to fuck off, I’ll have your back. I’ll always have your back.”

“I’ll always have yours too,” Connor told him and the room fell silent. The prospect of Oliver joining him at work made the situation slightly more bearable, he could deal with Asher if Oliver was by his side; he could deal with anything with Oliver next to him.

\---

“I can’t go in,” Connor said. They were parked outside Annalise’s house and Connor could see shadows moving behind the curtain, one of the figure’s undoubtedly Asher’s. “I just, I can’t.”

Oliver gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, he knew the morning would be tough but if Connor wasn’t able to tell Asher to fuck off, he was going too. Nobody was going to hurt his boyfriend anymore; he always knew his hacking skills would come in handy.

“Seriously Oliver, I can’t,” Connor repeated, he was terrified.

“You’ve got this,” reassured Oliver, “I’m your backup if things go sideways, which they won’t because you’ve got this.”

The first step over the threshold and into the awaiting room of future lawyers almost caused Connor to vomit on the floor and curl up in a fetal position. The sight of Michaela casually flipping through papers, Laurel with her arms crossed, and Asher’s grin plastered across his face from ear to ear wasn’t a sight Connor was ready for especially when the grin started to change and Connor braced himself for the volley of words about to come his way – about his thumb-sucking, lack of skills, and overall incompetence but nothing came from Asher, instead Connor heard Oliver’s always chipper voice exclaim over Asher’s “guess what,” a loud “hello,” and starting to ask questions about the case.

Oliver knew what he was doing. There was only a small room for error that could result in Connor breaking into even smaller pieces and the room for error was now, the first five minutes of them arriving. Oliver wasn’t going to let Asher talk until Annalise arrived because then nobody would have the chance to say something and Connor would be okay. Oliver focused in on Michaela, getting her to talk always quieted Asher. 

“Michaela, what part of the case are you involved with?” Oliver asked taking a seat next to her, Connor automatically falling into place by his side. Michaela gave Oliver a disproving look, she felt like conversation about the case with Connor present wasn’t the best idea; Connor had run out of the house two days in a row since the case had started and it had only been going for two days.

As Michaela began to carefully discuss her part in the case, Connor felt his heart begin to race at the discussion and combined with the proximity to Asher, the urge to be calm was increasing. 

Oliver noticed the twitching in Connor’s hands, a clear sign he needed something to soothe him. Oliver wished he could pull out a pacifier and slip it into Connor’s mouth and watch as the tension drained from his body but that couldn’t happen so Oliver did the next best thing, he slipped his hand into Connor’s and allowed the contact to remind him he was protected and loved. 

“Good morning,” Annalise’s voice pierced through the chatter and the conversation fell silent, all attention focused on her. “Nice of you to join us today Connor, your presence was missed yesterday.”

Connor dropped his gaze and tightened his grip on Oliver’s hand, once again he had let everybody down. 

Oliver felt his blood begin to boil, how dare a mentor belittle someone especially when knowing the reason that had caused Connor’s departure, no wonder why he sucked his thumb.

“Thank you for coming in today Oliver,” Annalise said holding out a pile of folders for him to take. “I’d like you to look through these files and note times of hit-and-runs especially ones that resulted in death. For ones that did, see if there is surveillance footage of those events and note when there aren’t again; it helps our case if there are no speed cameras so do not forget to note those times. Laurel, I want you to focus more on the cop who wrote up the case and Asher, stop looking into cases past 10 years, I told you they were useless, focus your attention of 10 years to the present. Everybody else, resume your work. I have a meeting with another potential client in an hour but afterwards am available for questions about this case.” Annalise promptly turned on her heel and the slamming of her door stirred movement in the living room.

Michaela glanced at her phone. “Laurel and I are going to the police station to question this cop and then will investigate the day of the crime, nice seeing you Oliver.”

“Bye,” Oliver gave her a feeble wave and watched the two women walk out the door leaving only Connor, Asher, and Oliver in the room. The tension could be cut with a knife. A cheeky grin began to form on Asher’s face and Connor was on his feet in an instant. He knew the look well and wasn’t going to sit there and let Asher ridicule him for something he couldn’t control, something that brought him peace. Oliver would be disappointed in him for not confronting Asher like they had discussed but he couldn’t do it, this wasn’t like court, he could defend others but never himself. “I’m going to the bathroom,” muttered Connor, his face flush as he rushed out of the room.

Asher’s grin didn’t falter; this still was an opportune time to tease Connor, informing his boyfriend that his significant other sucked his thumb would embarrass Connor to no end and in Asher’s opinion, he needed a firm dose of embarrassment. “How’s everything going at home? You and Connor doing well?”

Oliver pursed his lips sensing where this was heading, he knew Connor would be okay with him handling the situation. “Everything’s great.”

That was a shorter response than Asher had anticipated. “Everything’s great? Do you really think all is fine and dandy with Connor – I mean, do you really know everything about him?”

“Of course I know everything about him,” Oliver retorted avoiding the question on Connor’s well-being, the short and shitty answer being no but Asher didn’t need to know any more about Connor that Connor wasn’t willingly telling him. Progress was slow but excluding last night, Connor was taking steps in the right direction and as soon as Connor agreed to see a therapist, everything would get even better but that wasn’t what Asher was insinuating, he was insinuating something else, something Oliver really liked that Connor did, just the slightest of turn-on’s and the cutest thing, Oliver loved his thumb-sucking and he refused to let Asher use that information to humiliate his boyfriend, not on his watch.

‘And if you saying anything about his thumb-sucking, I will destroy you.” The threat was evident and Asher’s face changed into one of confusion, this was not going to plan.

“What?”

“You heard me. I will destroy you if you mention Connor’s thumb-sucking to anybody, especially Connor, do you understand?” 

Asher let out a nervous laugh. “Dude chill, it’s just funny, a grown man sucking his thumb, how can you even stand the sight of that?”

“We all cope with things in different ways,” Oliver leaned forward slightly and the easy going presence Asher knew disappeared and one of anger and defensiveness took its place, “and I think you know that. Does Salt Lake City 2003 ring any bells?”

Asher’s eyes grew into the size of dinner plates, that trip had resulted in weeks of therapy and went down as the most humiliating week of his life. “What are you saying?”

Oliver leaned back, he had the upper hand. “If I hear you mention what you saw to anyone, even a stranger, Salt Lake City will no longer remain a secret, I hope we are clear.”

Asher gave him a frightening nod, Oliver terrified him. “Yes. Yes, I understand.”

“Good.” Oliver’s threatening demeanor dropped and he was back to the Oliver Asher knew. Pulling out his laptop, Oliver cracked his knuckles, “tell me about this case.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lowkey a little salty that Season 5 didn't feature Connor and Oliver moments more.


	7. Chapter 7

Connor classified Asher discovering his thumb-sucking as one of the worst days of his life; having a colleague know his secret had altered his perception of the workplace completely, no longer was it a place where he had started to feel that his voice again mattered but instead how it felt shortly after Wes’s passing. He desperately wanted to be invisible like before and direct the decision making elsewhere, the discovery of the secret had washed away his progress and Connor loathed himself and his habit for the setback but what he despised more was how the discovery had only increased his craving for the pacifier. 

Without the control he had been clinging onto, Connor slipped deeper and deeper into his thumb-sucking and pacifier as sources of relief and he couldn’t stop, now whenever he felt any sort of uncomfortable emotion his hand crept to his face or he was reaching out for his pacifier. The dependency on the habit had only furthered his hatred from himself – it was a vicious cycle of want and hate that he couldn’t escape.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” grumbled Connor analyzing the blue rimmed pacifier in his hand. The hole Connor had been ignoring for days had only grown wider and the nipple was now threatening to break off and it would be garbage once it broke and Connor didn’t know how to handle the deterioration of the stupid piece of plastic he so heavily relied on: to be happy about its demise, embarrassed he had worn through it, or upset that he wasn’t brave enough to buy himself another. Oliver had bought the pacifier and Connor didn’t know where Oliver found it nor did he want to ask and finally confirm his need for it.

Connor bit his lip and slid the draw shut, he would have to go without it like he had for the past few miserable nights.

“You didn’t want it again?” Oliver questioned once Connor settled back into his side on the couch, both of them having started winding down from the day which recently meant the inclusion of the pacifier for Connor. 

Connor curled himself up to Oliver letting the warmth of his body match his own before shrugging afraid to admit that it was about to break. “Can we watch reruns of Parks and Rec. tonight? I’m not sure if I have the energy to invest into anything too complex.”

“Sure,” agreed Oliver. Connor’s comment hadn’t gone unnoticed, his boyfriend didn’t have much energy for anything recently, it felt like déjà vu to when Wes passed and although the timidness hadn’t truly passed, there was a new wave of lethargy and Oliver didn’t know how to help. He knew it had been partially spurred by Asher discovering his secret but Connor’s reluctance to receive help from a professional source was, in Oliver’s opinion, prolonging the pain he was in and now he wasn’t even using the pacifier leaving Oliver stuck; he desperately wanted to help Connor work towards getting better and accepting himself for who he was now, and that was somebody who sucked their thumb which Oliver loved and thought Connor had grown to appreciate too but apparently not as once again the pacifier stayed in its draw.

Oliver pulled Connor close and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead, Connor’s lethargy was frustrating but would never change how much he loved him. 

\--- 

Two days later and after witnessing Connor use his thumb instead of his pacifier for the fourth night in a row, Oliver couldn’t help but investigate and a quick scan of the pacifier told him all he needed to know, Connor wasn’t using it because it was on its last legs, one more use and it would be broken. Oliver understood whatever decision Connor made about the broken pacifier was putting his mind through the wringer but for Oliver, it was an easy fix, he would buy another one. 

Oliver huffed at his computer, buying another one wasn’t as easy as he hoped. He wanted to customize a few for Connor but hadn’t wanted to overwhelm him with choices instead overwhelming himself, there was so many customizable options. Finally, he decided on purchasing three: a dark blue one like before but with a pen pattern like before for the living room, a black one with a C in the middle of the rim, and a backup green pacifier with tiny computers scattered randomly across the plastic. Oliver clicked order and closed his computer with a sigh of relief, finished. 

The package came a week later and Oliver was giddy with glee at the sight of the customized pacifiers sprawled out on the kitchen table, they looked much better than they had online. Wrapping them up in tissue paper and placing them he a gift bag, Oliver couldn’t wipe the grin off his face, he was so excited to give the present to Connor, he was going to love them.

“Ollie, what’s this?” Connor asked as Oliver guided him to the couch later that evening. “We should start making dinner and getting ready to head out, Laurel’s party starts in two hours.” 

“I got you a little gift and I can’t wait any longer,” Oliver told him holding the present behind his back.

Connor shifted upright in his seat, presents made him nervous. “What kind of present?” 

“A type of present you desperately need and something I love to see you use. Open it! I hope you like them; the designs all came from me!” Oliver exclaimed holding out the gift eagerly, he couldn’t wait for Connor to see them. 

Connor hesitantly took the present from Oliver and started pulling out the tissue paper, pausing when he caught sight of a telltale plastic rim and then another and another. 

“Oh.” 

Oliver’s excitement deflated at the syllable understanding immediately in the way Connor had pronounced it that he hated the gift. Oliver thought he would be excited to receive them, Connor had told him he had grown to appreciate them and all he had gotten was a one syllable response, Connor couldn’t even bring himself to explain the disappointment or even fake a thank you. Oliver took a deep breath trying not to let the anger he was beginning to feel bubble over, Connor probably did like the gift, he was just shit at showing his appreciation, just like with everything else. He dismissed that thought quickly, of course Oliver was appreciative of all Oliver did and Oliver didn’t want thanks for helping, he just wanted to be noticed and feel like Connor loved him as much as he used too but instead it was one-syllabled emotions, brief which Oliver had grown to hate, he missed Connor’s voice.

“Um, do you like them?” Oliver inquired hoping to glean more information from Connor, there was still potential he liked them. 

Connor held the pacifiers in his hands and all he felt was shame. Shame at himself for needing them despite how much he liked them and for not being brave enough to buy them himself, Oliver had been strong for him as usual and he used to be strong enough for himself. “Three?”

That was the catalyst – another one-syllable word. “Is that all Connor? Three? How about a thank you or I don’t know a – wow, these are great babe, I can’t believe you noticed my other one was almost broken and can’t believe you bought these, thanks so much for paying attention to me – you’re just unbelievable!”

“What?” Connor was dumbfounded at where the outburst had come from, he didn’t think he had done anything wrong.

“Are you joking?” Oliver said, his voice rising an octave. “Are multi-syllabled sentences foreign to you Connor? You’re not a child, use your words. Do you like them or not?”

Connor hesitated, pushed to answer of course he liked them, loved them even because Oliver had bought them for him but he didn’t know how to explain the turmoil he felt towards the situation but the pause was enough and Connor watched as Oliver turned on his heel and slammed the bedroom door behind him, the noise echoing ominously throughout the apartment. Fuck. 

This was not how their relationship was meant to be. It was meant to be full of support, love, and understanding but instead it had transformed into one of need and pain which Connor didn’t want his relationship, especially with his best friend, to be built upon. He wanted them to build each other up and he was slacking in all the areas that Oliver was succeeding in – he needed help and not from Oliver. Connor knew he needed to see somebody to help kick start the path to recovery from Wes’s death but he couldn’t rely on somebody else to do all the work, he needed to try himself and try for the one person he unconditionally loved. 

The knock on the door was soft and Oliver wished he could ignore the sound as he hid under the covers now feeling like the child. He couldn’t believe he had been so immature and stormed out on the clearly one-sided fight but it had been too much, all he wanted was for Connor to be better and nothing seemed to be working except the pacifier and the struggle had started to take a toll. He understood that people changed as the aged and Connor had grown exponentially because of what he had witnessed and Oliver was fine with that, what he wasn’t fine with was a boyfriend who, to him, felt distant. Connor was his best friend; he couldn’t lose him.

There was another knock and a wriggle of the handle, Oliver grateful he had locked it behind him.

“Ollie?” Connor’s voice was muffled and desperate, all Oliver wanted to do was pull him close and never let go.

“Oliver, I’m sorry. The gift – it took me by surprise and before you think I didn’t like it, I did. It was very sweet for you to customize them and my favourite one is the green one because it reminds me of you. I-I couldn’t say anything because I feel embarrassed, I’m embarrassed by how much I’ve grown to need and like them and your constant support of them and me is overwhelming. I’ve never had somebody care for me in an area I’ve always hated about myself and I’m struggling to respond with how I truly feel which is grateful and scared and disappointed by how much you care and how little I’ve been showing I care for you. I care so much Ollie and I appreciate everything you’ve been doing to help me feel good especially the goddam pacifiers. Please, please open the door so I can apologize to your face for being suck a dick.” 

Connor released the breath he didn’t know he had been holding when the door cracked open to expose a blanket-clad Oliver. Connor flung himself towards him and wrapped himself tightly around him never wanting to let go. “I’m sorry Oliver. I’m sorry for being such a loser lately and not even trying to get out of my head and allowing you to carry this relationship because it seems like I don’t care. I care Ollie but I don’t know how to get back there and I’m sorry. I promise I’ll try harder.”

Oliver clung tightly to Connor and shook his head; the issue hadn’t been with Connor not caring, it had been with Oliver thinking Connor didn’t want to acknowledge him and how much he loved him and to hear the words finally come out of Connor’s mouth after months of not hearing them alleviated all of Oliver’s concerns. His boyfriend still loved him, he just wasn’t able to show it as much currently.

“I forgive you,” Oliver told him. “And I’m sorry for yelling without trying to talk about how I was feeling first. I just felt – I just felt that you didn’t care about me anymore which sounds ridiculous now I say it out loud, it’s nice to hear you say it again.”

“Oliver, I’ve never cared about anything more than you. I love you.” 

“I love you too Connor and it’s because I love you that I want to ask if you’re serious about trying harder – were you serious?”

Connor pulled back from Oliver and gave a nod. “I’ve never been more serious about it. What’s happened to me this year, it’s affected me more than I’ve realized and has hurt our relationship. I want to get better so we can get better.”

“Connor, our relationship has morphed into something neither of us expected and as long as we remain open with how we feel, it will remain strong. What I care most about is you, I think you should look into seeing a therapist, please think about it before you dismiss the suggestion again.”

Connor took a deep breath before letting slip the quietest of “okay’s,” and pulling Oliver in for a deep kiss. 

“I love you Ollie and thank you for loving me,” Connor said. He could never more more grateful to the universe for bringing him Oliver.

“I love you too Connor,” Oliver replied pulling him in for a hug, it felt as if the tension from his shoulders had finally been lifted. Connor saying he loved him and that he wanted to at least try therapy was the best news Oliver could have been told. Oliver ran his fingers gently through Connor’s hair glancing at his watch. “Do you still want to go to Laurel’s party? It’s okay if you don’t.” 

“No, I do. But could we order takeout and cuddle before we go? I’ve wanted to be in your arms all day and I really want to use one of those new-,” Connor steeled himself, “-pacifiers you got me. I haven’t used one for like two weeks and I swear my thumb has become raw.”

Oliver broke out into a grin, Connor in his arms sucking a pacifier, the evening had truly turned for the better. “Of course babe, let’s go cuddle.”


End file.
